I lay on the ground.  Awaiting death.  I look up at the sky.  That was when I understood just how high I once were.  And now I’m at the very bottom, basking in the wisps of suffocation.

My depression is a motivator

in that I often make rash decisions because of it.

For examples, like:
ending relationships/friendships
or chopping my hair
or dying my hair a slightly darker/lighter shade
or applying for as many jobs as I can
or naming my ex-bfs “arsehat” in my phone
or making plans with friends I no longer see/keep in touch
or sending out my “aww I really miss you, let’s meet up soon” texts

I do a lot of things (most things) to avoid death.

For examples, like:
de-activate my social media accounts
or tear up old photos
or take new photos
or powder my self-inflicted bruises
or tell people I love them
or twiddle my thumbs
in a broom closet
until I’m cared for

until I’m dead.

Sometimes I think I’m staying alive for my friends
or maybe to finish uni someday
or maybe for this pot of coffee
or maybe because I haven’t achieved enough yet
or maybe to not make things harder for anyone else
or maybe to read all the books I have bought
or maybe to take that trip
or maybe because if I died now my name would not mean anything
or maybe for myself.

Coming to terms.

I will not get sad,
I will not get sad,
I will shed no tears.
Feel no rain
Taste no rust

For things that
were always going to be
brief.

I feel like once you lose someone you care a lot about - once they walk away from you without a good reason - you stop caring about losing people as a whole. You don’t expect permanence or consistency. You question the motives of the ones who adore you, and you start looking for signs that they too might leave.

I hope all of you heal.

Self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. Sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. Sometimes it is crossing the street without looking both ways. Sometimes it is showering with the water a little too hot. Sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. Sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing outside. Self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things, so never assume what someone may be going through just because they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

When people go through changes, their priorities don’t stay the same either, and you realise your role in their life.
Personally, I know I can’t blame people for not having time for me or going out of their way for me because I do that with others as well. I’m at a phase in my life where I’m extremely confused and trying to figure everything out. I can’t do that while putting people first but at the same time, putting myself first isn’t helping either. It feels lonely when I take a break from focusing on myself and my future and realise that nobody’s around.

No matter what I do or how much I think I want something, when I pause for a second, I wonder why I pursue any of it because at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel alive.

I know it's only October..

2016 (so far) really redefined the concept of loneliness for me. People always differentiate between being alone and lonely, and they’re right. I don’t want to romanticise this into another boring and predictable post. But no matter how many people are in your life, no matter how many messages you have waiting for you, no matter how many people you make plans with, unless if you click with them, you will find yourself always seeking for more and more company and never being satisfied with who you surround yourself with. This doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate your current friends. Matter of fact, your friends can be so good to you and you can love them to death but that won’t stop you from wanting something else, something more, something they cannot provide. There’s attributes that only certain people can bring out in you. There’s some conversations that just flow better if you’re in the right crowd. There’s people who inspire each other to be better in a way that others cannot. May next year, 2017 be the year that I find like-minded individuals that I feel like I fit in with.