New theory -

Recently, I’ve been meeting the best guys who possess all the qualities that I want in a man, and it’s so ironic and dumb on my part because even when they show interest, I always mess it up somehow. Then when another guy peaks my interest, I realise how much I romanticised the last guy and I’m sure that me making a fool out of myself in front of all these men is me learning a lesson so that one day when a guy actually is as great as I think he is, I don’t fck it up.

I’ve convinced myself from past experiences that I will never have something good, so much so that even if I’m presented with an opportunity to go after something, I just give up before trying because I know that even if I acquire it, it will be taken away from me. I will never get to keep something good, I guess it just isn’t written for someone like me.

I’ve come to the point I have accepted I am not going to be in a romantic relationship. It’s just not going to happen for me. For now at least I know I’m ready to put it aside for good for awhile. No more wondering. No more worrying about guys wanting to date me and what to do. I’m just done with all of it. I’m leaving it where it is. I’m so thankful for what Life has given me. I have good friends and an amazing family. I’m already really blessed. This is my time to grow and to serve others.

You see, I love love, but don’t think it’s good for me anymore.

This time, for good.

When you’ve been depressed for so long, there’s no way to tell what feeling okay is like. There is no neutral feeling, only how you have always felt and how miserable it has made you. And after enough breakdowns, there is the overwhelming sense that no matter how much growth you go through, your depression will find you. That feeling is so defeating and fuels the already-present idea of there being no point in trying. There have been too many times that I’ve been completely exhausted and lost and felt like I had no energy to do basic tasks, let alone battle my own head to stay alive.
I’m saying this here because I wish someone said this to me: if you’re fighting through depression, every day you’re alive is an achievement. It’s okay to struggle. You’re not weak for having a hard time with day-to-day activities. It’s okay to not be able to answer texts, or shower, or leave your bed for a period of time. Sometimes just existing is hard enough. I feel you.
Also: whatever your head’s telling you about yourself, you’re powerful and strong and capable of great things.
And you’re not alone. 
Living with mental illness has been mostly a draining fight for me but every time I get through another breakdown, I am always so damn thankful my head didn’t win. You go. I’m proud of you.

I have realised there are certain things, that will never happen to me; no matter how hard I work, believe in myself or want them. They simply don’t happen to people like me because they weren’t written for me. It’s so hard to convince yourself you are deserving when you know failure and the feeling of not being good enough like the back of your hand.

Little Miss Sensitive

always cry in the corners
always complaining about her bloody tongue
always shouting LEAVE ME ALONE then creeping into your head to see if you’re thinking about her

Little miss sensitive doesn’t want the title of “girl” anymore
doesn’t want to feel so little
doesn’t want to miss everything
yes, everything

little miss sensitive can’t believe everyone is trying to get away from her
if she could leave
oh you’d see
the distance she’d put between her and herself
the number of locks she would put on the door
just to be safe
just to be sure that she never saw little miss sensitive again.

The bottom line is if they really desired to, they could have stayed and made it work but they didn’t.
That’s all it comes down to at the end of it.

Sometimes you become really fond of a person and even grow to love them but mostly due to the fact that they filled a hole in your life at a time where there was something missing. The situation and timing made them mean exponentially more to you than they normally would have. So, if both of you ever part ways and you think you always cared more for them than vice versa, just remember that their personal situation and time were different than yours, and that you may not have played the same role in their life that they played in yours.