I've reached a point in my life where it's like… I don't care how long we have been friends for…. the moment you make me feel like shit, none of that matters and I'm out. Whoever is meant to be in my life will be and I'm not going to let myself get treated poorly.

Protecting myself emotionally > being in your life and allowing you to treat me like nothing.

PS. Your awaited new series is coming for y'all soon my loves! x

Self reminders

• Stop wasting energy on individuals whose behaviour towards you is ambivalent. The people you surround yourself with should provide you with a consistent feeling of safety, warmth, kindness and love.
• You are not obligated to help everyone, all of the time. This is especially true when you yourself are going through a difficult time. Taking care of your mental and emotional needs first does not make you a bad person, nor should you feel guilt about it.
• Some days are filled with an abundance of everything positive, some days are not. Learn to find happiness in the little things on the days that aren’t.
• Other people’s silence in no way reflect your own worth.
• You are allowed to take breaks from society without explaining yourself. You are allowed to take the time to recharge your soul.
• Life in itself is simple; it is your mind and ego that make it complicated. Let go of your expectations and the way you think things “should” be. Accept every situation for what it is.
• Anyone and anything worth having never, ever comes by force.
• Think hard before you speak; and when you believe you’ve reached some degree of certainty that you wish to turn your silent thoughts into words; shut up and think again. Is it kind; is it necessary?
• Extend love and compassion to every soul you encounter. 
• You are allowed to change; your tendencies, interests, opinions, and perspectives are not static or engraved in stone. To deny the possibility of growth is to deny human agency.
• Never resist what you feel. Allow your emotions to visit you without judgment or identification with them. You are not your mind.
• Others’ words can undeniably be comforting, but they may also be empty. Place more significance on actions.
• Stop beating yourself up over the person you used to be. Take responsibility for your bad choices, your ignorance, your toxicity and the way they might have impacted the lives of others as well as your own - but don’t dwell. Use them as a learning experience, as a standard to hold you and your future self above.
• No matter how busy you may be, find the time to appreciate nature. Meditate amongst the trees, the water and the sand. Look up at the stars and breathe.
• Care. Tell people how you feel about them. Never inhibit the quantity or quality of your love out of fear.

Throwback to few months ago...

The worst part about a failed suicide attempt is the aftermath. Home from the hospital and my parents were just so sad and quiet around me. They don't even want to talk because they think they’ll trigger me to do something again, I think. But when I was laying in that hospital bed I started thinking of all the things I wanted to do in my life that I almost robbed myself of doing. I want to travel and see the world. I want to go to eat all kinds of food from different cultures. I want to get my degree so that I can help other people. I didn’t want to die, I wanted to start living. 

I think it's that way with a lot of people. I can literally do anything I want to in life and not my parents nor anyone else can stop me from doing them. I don't know. I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I'm really thankful to be alive.

I thought that this was just going to be another one of my shit posts but I’m so happy this one got around. Thankyou to everyone who has messaged and anyone who chose to share their story of recovery with me. Each and every single one of you inspire me.

There's a poem by Rupi Kaur that goes, “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” 

I read this and it really changed how I viewed my life these past few months.

I realised that if literally anyone was to leave me I'd be fine, because I got me. I’m so caught up in my future goals and my progress that I don’t have time for people stepping in and out of my life. I’m really all I ever needed anyways, and being lonely just isn’t something that applies to me anymore. My fear of abandonment has really decayed and I’m so grateful for that. 

So many quiet nights alone. It allows me to think freely and deeply. Perhaps a little too deep… Too much time alone can drive anyone a little insane. 

I find comfort in knowing that people who I’ve cut out of my life are left with this version of me that simply doesn’t exist anymore. The memory and image of me that they have isn't who I am, and I’m happy that it’s that way. I’ve changed and grown and they won't ever get the chance to know the better version of myself that I’ve become during their absence.

I like sleeping.

Why?
Because when I’m sleeping, I can’t feel pain, I don’t get hurt, I can’t hear anything, see any physical things. I’m in my own world, my own dreams, the best parts about dreams are, you can stop them whenever, you can wake up and it’s all over.

Have YOU ever wondered....

what your purpose in life is? How life is going to change in ten, twenty, thirty years? How your life would be like right now if you were to make different choices, decisions, or if you could turn back the hands of time to fix your share of mistakes? And why is that everyone else around you seems to know what to expect for the future, but you haven’t even figure out what is it you want yet?

.................................

Because I have and too often, I lose myself in the process of finding myself.

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