I don’t really have a lot of thoughts lately because everything just feels pretty blah to me - it’s the same voices over and over again and the same pictures in my head. I’m just kinda numb to everything and almost everyone. I just don’t have a lot of energy in me anymore but I wish I did - well at least my anxiety wishes I did. I don’t know what I wish for anymore because I don’t know who I am anymore.

She sits in her room surrounded by the dark because that is all she has ever known. Many people have desperately tried to show her the sun but she’d rather see the moon. Some try to understand her but how could they when she barely knew herself.
Everyday she felt like she was slowly slipping away, like she was fading away from everything that had ever meant something to her.

I am constantly acting like I am strong but truth be told I am so tired.

I am so sick of having to lie to myself.

I am just so tired of having nothing left to hold on too.

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At work today, it suddenly poured down with heavy rain with thunderstorms and hail, it was so bad that I had to duck to an undercover in a random house. Then all of a sudden, an old lady came out and invited me in. After she settled me down and gave me towels to dry myself, the first thing she said was, "You are not truly happy, are you?"
To be honest, that really hit me. Like how can she, a stranger, can pick it up and notice me behind my mask... while even my closest friends can't do so?!
We ended up having really deep and meaningful conversations, she gave me good guidance and advice. Even at the end, before I had to leave, she gave me her phone number and told me to drop by anytime when I'm in troubled times. I feel really grateful and warmed to the heart by her actions and generosity, of inviting me, a complete stranger to her home.

Nobody ever asked me if I was okay. So all I could do was keep asking them and hope that one day they would ask me too.

Me during shower time: What is my mission here on earth? What would have happened if Hitler got killed before he started the war? 
What if is there's a bigger force controlling us right now?

Me almost falling asleep: I think I've solved the mystery of Atlantis and the cure for cancer and starving in Africa and the problems for all bad things in the universe.

Me during the day: how do I spell house?

I hope this will be my last year.

I thought I have left this mindset behind the past, but I haven't.
I'm drowning in it again and I just want to escape everything and never come back. 

Good days are few and far between but I know I deserve them each time they come around.

Do you ever feel like you’re just sort of ... there?
Like all your friends go out and do things and get into relationships and like people that like them back and have fun and do stupid things with their best friends and instead of doing all that you’re just sort of this mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in a while but they wouldn’t really care if it was gone?
..... Like you just sort of exist but you don’t really mean anything.

PS. Here’s to another day alive - cheers… right?

Maybe. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy anymore.

Everything you said.
Every. Single. Fucking. Word.
They ring in my head like a thousand church bells…
You’re stupid.
You're a failure.
You’re useless.
You’re weak.
Why do you torture me like this?

And maybe I don't deserve to be here anymore.

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." - Robin Williams 

Waking up the morning after wanting to kill yourself is one of the weirdest things ever because it’s just the soft realisation that “Oh… I’m still here” and you don’t know if you should be happy or sad or angry...