I am constantly acting like I am strong but truth be told I am so tired.

I am so sick of having to lie to myself.

I am just so tired of having nothing left to hold on too.

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At work today, it suddenly poured down with heavy rain with thunderstorms and hail, it was so bad that I had to duck to an undercover in a random house. Then all of a sudden, an old lady came out and invited me in. After she settled me down and gave me towels to dry myself, the first thing she said was, "You are not truly happy, are you?"
To be honest, that really hit me. Like how can she, a stranger, can pick it up and notice me behind my mask... while even my closest friends can't do so?!
We ended up having really deep and meaningful conversations, she gave me good guidance and advice. Even at the end, before I had to leave, she gave me her phone number and told me to drop by anytime when I'm in troubled times. I feel really grateful and warmed to the heart by her actions and generosity, of inviting me, a complete stranger to her home.

Nobody ever asked me if I was okay. So all I could do was keep asking them and hope that one day they would ask me too.

Me during shower time: What is my mission here on earth? What would have happened if Hitler got killed before he started the war? 
What if is there's a bigger force controlling us right now?

Me almost falling asleep: I think I've solved the mystery of Atlantis and the cure for cancer and starving in Africa and the problems for all bad things in the universe.

Me during the day: how do I spell house?

I hope this will be my last year.

I thought I have left this mindset behind the past, but I haven't.
I'm drowning in it again and I just want to escape everything and never come back. 

Good days are few and far between but I know I deserve them each time they come around.

Do you ever feel like you’re just sort of ... there?
Like all your friends go out and do things and get into relationships and like people that like them back and have fun and do stupid things with their best friends and instead of doing all that you’re just sort of this mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in a while but they wouldn’t really care if it was gone?
..... Like you just sort of exist but you don’t really mean anything.

PS. Here’s to another day alive - cheers… right?

Maybe. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy anymore.

Everything you said.
Every. Single. Fucking. Word.
They ring in my head like a thousand church bells…
You’re stupid.
You're a failure.
You’re useless.
You’re weak.
Why do you torture me like this?

And maybe I don't deserve to be here anymore.

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." - Robin Williams 

Waking up the morning after wanting to kill yourself is one of the weirdest things ever because it’s just the soft realisation that “Oh… I’m still here” and you don’t know if you should be happy or sad or angry...

When I was younger, I used to hear people say "love yourself" and just think " who doesn't?"....
but now 10 years later, I sit and think, "who does?"

Another failed attempt.

"People do not die from suicide, they die from sadness."

The whole day today was really challenging. The worst feeling is wanting to cry but having to hold it in because I was in public and had to pretend to smile and laugh all day because my job needs it.

My thoughts were destroying me. I tried not to think but the silence was a killer too.

It’s like…. I’m not saying I’m going to hang myself, or shoot myself; nothing like that. It’s more like, if I am walking on the railroad tracks and the train is coming, I don’t care enough to move.

The problem with suicidal thoughts is that they’re not just there when your sad. You’ll be there, chilling, reading a book or talking to a friend and you’ll think: "This is nice. But do you know what would be better? Death."

My favourite - 

"If you had the chance to kill yourself without hurting the ones you love, would you?"

In a heartbeat.

Don’t you think it's sad how we keep ourselves alive for our friends and family but they’re one of the reasons we don’t want to be alive in the first place?

How should I feel fine when suicide is all that's on my mind?

I  just feel like, if I die, everything will be ok.

I don't need no funeral, just burn my body to ashes and spread to the sea, and that's my final wish.