Have you ever... let go of someone?

Someone who is special to you, someone you have grown close to over time. A someone, that you argued countless times with. Someone who you try so hard to give up on, someone who you have told yourself a million times you wouldn't talk to ever again, but at the end of the day, you both wouldn't be able to resist the temptation and you would both give in, thus giving each other another chance.
Another chance for the same mistakes.
And finally, when both of you have reached your breaking points, you both are wanting to end it once and for all, but the lingering feelings you guys have are holding you back. And when it comes down to it, that one conversation that would either have you two make up or break up, you have too much pride to tell them to stay, so you let them slip away. Then you end up regretting what you did not do, because you know they would have stayed if you told them to. I’d like to call them, the one that got away.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you connects with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realised your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become.

Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

One thing about me is that I’m a hider.

I tend to hide things. Emotionally and physically. I don’t like talking to people about how I feel because most of the time, I don’t even know how to describe it or what I’m feeling.

When someone ask me what’s wrong, I usually just reply with a “I'm fine" or jokingly brushing it off, smile and change topic. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to tell them, but it’s just because my mind is filled with so many endless thoughts. Thousands and thousands of thoughts that I just don’t know how to explain.

It’s like I’m numb. My feelings are numb. My mouth is numb. My mind is numb. I can’t describe anything because words can’t even explain the way I feel.

I’m here, but I’m not really here. I’m alive, but not really living. I’m exhaling, but not breathing.

Do you ever just want to disappear for a while? I mean, delete everything. Tumblr, Facebook, any other social media sites you have. Erase messages and don’t answer calls. Sometimes I just want to disappear underneath this blanket of stars and get lost somewhere where no one will find me but myself because I think I forgot how to breathe without thinking of others. I forgot how to care for myself without putting others before me. 
And I feel like doing this right now....

I don’t think anyone seriously understands how much I want to escape. It’s like when you’re just too damn freaking frustrated with yourself because you can’t get anything right and that’s how I feel with my life right now. 
I am never going to be perfect or happy and I’m just so angry and sad at the same time. 
I’m tired of it all. 
I don’t want to be here anymore. 
I don’t want to try anymore.

This afternoon.

Just went through all the blog posts I made here. It's always an interesting experience because I forget about certain things that have happened in my life eventhough its only been a few years. As I was scanning through old posts, I felt the need to re-read a couple that stood out at me. There were also some posts where I was so tempted to delete them that I felt needed to go. Ones where I was upset or probably shouldn't have blogged and shared at all... after all, from the start, I have been using this blog more as an online diary. So ya, this afternoon ended up being like a huge reflections exercise to not only see the blog evolve over the last few years but myself included.

I am tired.

• tired of feeling like I put out all the effort
• tired of being walked over
• tired of the bullshit
• tired of being useless
• tired of missing people I used to know
• tired of feeling worthless
• tired of lies
• pretending to be happy
• not being “good enough”
• everything I say is always wrong.
• I’m always the bitch.
• not trying hard enough.

... Just tired of it all.

The future is unravelling itself and the outcome is blurry but whatever it is… I am really afraid.